Introduction:
The concept of interest-based negotiations isn’t new to ADR
professionals, but it’s probably a foreign idea to your clients. Helping clients understand the difference
between positions and interests will help everyone involved in the session get
to a workable settlement much more quickly. That’s the first part of Chapter 10
of Making Divorce Work. The second part
of Chapter 10 is designed to help clients learn
to talk productively during their private conversations. Feel free to share this with them:
Talking with Your Spouse About a Settlement
Even if you’re working with a professional to resolve your
case, as much as you may hope that your lawyer or mediator will do all of this
work for you, you and your spouse are probably going to have lots of discussions
outside of court or mediation sessions— before, during, and after your
divorce—and keeping the idea of positions vs. interests in mind will help keep
your discussions productive.
It’s not as hard as you think to focus on interests and not
just positions. What may be hard, however, is listening to your spouse when he
is saying something you don’t want to hear. But you’re going to commit to this
process and you’re going to hear your spouse out—even if you don’t get the same
in return.
Nobody will ever change his or her mind or position without
first feeling that he or she has been heard. So that is where you are going to
start. You are going to reframe and rephrase the position. Start with “let me
make sure I understand” and then restate what your spouse has said. ….. Next,
you’ll ask for an explanation: “Help me to understand why that is important to
you” ………. Say it in a neutral, curious tone. This is about finding out why your
spouse wants what she wants and then figuring out a way to give it to her that
also feels good to you. And if it’s something that you can’t agree to, or
figure out how to agree to, at least your spouse knows you listened and
considered her wishes. That will go a long way in helping your spouse to
compromise, too, when it’s about something that’s important to you.
Be very clear that you’re willing to consider your spouse’s
position.. ………
If you’re not sure you’ll agree to the request, you can say,
“I am not sure I’ll be able to agree to that exact request, but would you be
willing to consider a different way to accomplish that goal?” For example, “I’d
love to be able to say that I’d waive spousal support. I know how much it irks
you to have to pay me. I’d be willing to consider a waiver or shorter time
period if we can figure out a way to help me be self-supporting within twelve
months. Would you be willing to consider something like that?” …………..
Sweat the Small Stuff
Start with the small stuff and work your way up. Don’t try
to tackle the biggest and hardest problem first. Save that for last. Start with
easy things, like your checking accounts and frequent flier miles. Don’t start
with the house, Christmas parenting time, or valuing your small business. When
you start with the big issues, you’ll rarely reach an agreement. If you can’t
solve the small stuff, you won’t be able to solve the big stuff. Keep your
initial goals small and easy to accomplish.
Working your way up also helps to build trust and confidence
in the process. And it lets you see the progress you’ve made. Even if you can’t
resolve everything, you can at least narrow down what you still need to tackle.
Once you and your spouse see that it’s working, your agreement will start to
gain momentum. You’ll be excited by the prospect that you might actually be
able to settle this after all. …………….
If Things Aren’t Going as Hoped
If the negotiations aren’t going as smoothly as you’d hoped,
ask yourself:
- Are my requests and expectations reasonable given our situation and the law?
- If I were my spouse, would I accept the proposals I’m making?
- Are my offers fair? Would other people perceive them as fair?
- Are my proposals based on facts that I can prove, like the size of our bank account? If so, does my spouse have the information to know that what I’m asking for is accurate?
- Is timing an issue? Am I pushing too hard, too fast, or going more quickly than my spouse can tolerate?
- Is the settlement I’m requesting in line with other court decisions or settlements?
- Do I have the power to force this issue? How likely am I to win if I do force it?
- What are the benefits to me of pursuing my present course? Are there any risks?
Like so many valuable life lessons, these skills are simple,
but not easy. But the effort you put
forth in learning how to interact with others this way—particularly your
co-parent or former spouse—will help you move through difficult relationships
in a more peaceful way.
Website: www.peace-talks.com
Articles by: http://www.mediate.com//articles/MercerD13.cfm