Divorce - It Happens! Mindfulness Practice For Going Through Divorce

It's important to find ways to reduce the pain and confusion of divorce (but overeating isn't the healthiest option!) When I provide divorce coaching as a personal life coach, I help you find the best ways for going through divorce, and creating a new life after divorce. With divorce coaching and mindfulness practice, you are better able to manage stress, communicate more effectively, make clear and wise plans for your future, and create a healthy and meaningful new life. Divorce coaching focuses on helping you build self-confidence for making good decisions and taking positive actions for your life.

One of the ways that you might try to ease the pain is through emotional eating. There is the tendency for some people to use food for comfort, which is called emotional eating. Emotional eating can be triggered by the stress of going through divorce, or by the stress of grieving your losses, or worrying about your children. For some people, an email from their ex-spouse can prompt an ice cream binge. The mindfulness practice of mindful eating is very helpful to curb emotional eating. That, combined with other mindfulness practice has the benefit of calming the nervous system.

If you are reading this, perhaps you are going through divorce, or are recently divorced. The divorce journey is usually very stressful to say the least! Just the legal process alone can be overwhelming. But it's the emotional upset and drain that can be the most difficult to manage. There are so many important decisions to make that will impact your family, and it's hard to make them alone. Or you might have the opposite difficulty with too many well-meaning friends sharing different advice.

Another challenge that is sometimes associated with the stress of divorce is a nagging insecurity about appearance. Thoughts like, "Can I attract a new lover?" or "Am I too old to date?", can wear away at your self esteem. This can often become most pronounced when considering beginning a new relationship after divorce. By being mindful of your thoughts, you can choose not to believe everything you think. Thoughts related to negative body image can be noticed and released, while turning your attention back to the present moment, to your breath, or to what is right in front of you. And it helps to remember that body image is just that - an image - as in imaginary. An image is not the real you. Starting over after divorce gives you the opportunity to discover and express your real self - the wonderful, authentic and beautiful you.

As a personal life coach offering divorce coaching, it continues to be my intention, aspiration, and passion to improve the conditions and impacts of divorce for all involved. Thank you for sharing this information with anyone you feel may benefit.

Peace Talks is a collaborative divorce mediation firm that helps spouses file for a divorce in a sane and sensible manner.    Peace Talks provides divorce mediation services in Los Angeles and throughout California.   We have family law attorneys, family therapists and financial consultants who can help you. 

Child Support - How Is It Calculated and How Will I Get It?

The issue of child support is always a part of any divorce case or mediation. The amount of child support you will pay is explained and determined according to the California Family Law Code. In order to ensure that California law conforms to the federal regulations for guideline child support, a complicated formula has been devised which looks mainly at two factors: each parent’s income and the time spent by each parent with the child/children. There are other additional factors which may impact the child support payment such as child care expenses, home mortgage payments, tax filing status and other costs specific to your family situation.

These numbers are inserted into a computer program called a Disso Master to calculate your child support payment. The determined amount is the minimum level of child support for each of your children that a judge will require you to pay. This computer calculation provides uniformity to child support across California.

It is important to know that during mediation at Peace Talks, a DissoMaster figure may be discussed; however, mediation results in a negotiated agreement between both parties. Thus, you and your partner may arrive at a child support figure that perhaps differs from the DissoMaster calculation, but can be acceptable to you based on facts specific to your family’s needs.

The principles behind the child support statutes are based on the belief that parents’ first and principal obligation is to support their children according to the parents’ situation and economic position in life. In translation, this means that children of a television celebrity may receive thousands of dollars of child support a month in consideration of their life style, which may include private schools and specialized lessons. In contrast, the children of two schoolteachers who attend public school could conceivably be awarded much less money in support.

Additionally, it is important to know that both parents are mutually responsible for the support their children. Furthermore, you should keep in mind that child support continues until your child is 18 years old or if your child is a full-time high school student and not self -supporting, your child support is extended until the child is 19 years old or completes 12^th grade.

Additionally, the basic child support guideline amount may be increased by “add-ons”. These are specific expenses that parents may be ordered to contribute for the benefit of their children. Family Code Section 4062 lists two types of child support add-ons: mandatory and discretionary. The mandatory add-ons which the judge is required to order include child care costs related to the employment or to the reasonable necessary education of training for employment skills; and for the reasonable uninsured health care costs for the children. Discretionary add-ons include costs related to the educational or other special needs of the children and potential travel expenses for visitation. Both parents share these additional expenses equally unless this is not reasonable and then they are apportioned based on each person’s net spendable income.

There is a formula that the court uses to determine the parents’ respective net spendable income for the purposes of determining child support add-ons. Family Code Section §4061(b) provides that first the guideline child support amount is calculated. Then the amount of the guideline child support is deducted from the income of the paying parent, but not added to the income of the receiving parent. Finally, if one parent is paying spousal support, the amount of the spousal support is deducted from the income of the paying parent and added to the income of the receiving parent.

All of the above child support criteria are rules that are applied to a case that is in litigation. During a Peace Talks’ mediation all facets of support for your children are discussed and taking care of them both financially and emotionally are our key concerns. We will work with you to find a child support figure that fits for your family.

Peace Talks is a collaborative divorce mediation firm that helps spouses file for a divorce in a sane and sensible manner. Peace Talks provides divorce mediation services in Los Angeles and throughout California. We have family law attorneys, family therapists and financial consultants who can help you file for a divorce in a way that is less expensive than the courts in Los Angeles and California. Visit www.peace-talks.com to learn more about how you can have a peaceful and amicable divorce in Los Angeles.

California Cooling OFF Period

While California may be a “hot” state, we experience “cooling off” periods too. In a family law context, this “cooling off” specifically applies to the amount of time that must pass before a divorce is final. The theory behind this “cooling off” period is to prevent couples from rushing to divorce. In California, the law requires a six (6) month period before a divorce may be finalized. This means from the time that your Petition for Divorce is served until the time the clerk stamps you’re Judgment of Divorce, six months must have occurred. However, in reality in California the process actually takes much longer.

This extended time period could occur due to a number of factors. The first factor is the number of issues that the court is requested to resolve. The more issues there are, the longer the process. For example, if you have a short-term marriage (under ten years), no children and little property, your matter could possibly be resolved within the cooling off period (of course that’s assuming no contested matters). In contrast, if you have two children, one spouse self employed with a business to evaluate, the other spouse a stay at home party, a residence with rental property and a demand for extensive spousal support with contested custody, the case could take months, if not years.

The second factor that may complicate things is the personality of the parties. For example, if you or your spouse refuses to accept the inevitability of the divorce and is determined to do anything and everything to delay the divorce process, this can extend the proceedings well beyond six months.

Another factor to consider is the personality of your attorneys. If one of you retains an attorney who is focused on a global settlement and encourages dialogue, while the other attorney hired prefers to litigate about every single potential issue, the opportunity for a quick resolution may evaporate. Attorneys with different styles could create a contentious atmosphere which breeds motions and retaliation. Even if one of the parties does not want to engage in fighting, he or she must respond to the incoming missiles. This can be exacerbated if you or your partner has a large checkbook and can finance exorbitant legal fees.

The next factor is really out of your hands. This has to deal with the court’s calendar; since the judicial budget has been slashed by the legislature, the number of courtrooms and judicial officers has been dramatically reduced. Under these circumstances, matters can be continued several times due to the court’s limited courtroom availability. The reduction of court staff has also increased the turnaround time of filed documents of Request and Declaration for Final Judgment of Dissolution of Marriage.

Another critical factor in elevating the amount of time divorces can take is the honesty of you and your spouse. The first step in the divorce process is the filing of Preliminary Declarations of Disclosure. Both of you are legally required to disclose your assets and debts –all of them. If either one of you fails to be transparent in your disclosures or provides incomplete information, this will cause undue delay as well as legal fees if motions and court intervention is needed to determine the total picture of your assets.

As you can see, a six-month cooling off period exists, but in reality, it is rare that a couple is able to complete their divorce process within six months. However another alternative is available to you if you want to resolve your divorce in a sane, sensible and fair way at a reasonable cost – try Mediation. Call us and see what mediation is all about.

Peace Talks is a Family Law Attorney and lawyers are always giving your answer with satisfaction and trust. Ask questions of California Cooling OFF Period for mediator and Divorce mediation.

5 Reasons to Keep Your Divorce Out of Social Media

Today, communication is instantaneous. Like the phrase, “a shot heard around the world”, an online post is sent into the media stratosphere with the potential to surface anywhere, be read by anyone and unfortunately remain forever. You’re getting divorced. You may or may not be happy about this, or perhaps worse case scenario, you had no idea your marriage was in trouble until you saw your spouse’s Facebook page or someone sent you a Snapchat or an Instagram of something you wish you never saw. We can use our imaginations and think of all kinds of compromising positions that could be seen online.

Let’s consider specific reasons to keep YOUR divorce off social media.

First, the divorce process begins. You’re hurt, maybe even devastated. Do you really want to cry your eyes out online? Consider your reputation and your integrity. Do you want potential employers, or your current employer knowing your emotional state of mind and potential thoughts of revenge?

Second, what if you make your case online concerning how you were wronged and disparage your partner’s actions and character. It is highly possible someone who sees this information may not see the situation the same way you do, and an endless back and forth of accusations and counter attacks occurs. And what do you do if you find out that your version of the facts was wrong. Social media is not a giant white board that you can easily erase.

Third, another critical issue to consider is your children and family. Chances are your children are much more social media savvy than you are. Anything that you post online will probably be found and read by them. It may even be re-posted or re-tweeted without your knowing about it. If they find criticisms and attacks of one of their parents, you may be doing irreparable harm to their relationship with you or your partner. It certainly does not make it easy to promote smooth visitations or family holidays. Furthermore, you will have no leg to stand on if you discipline or reprimand your child for his/her social media use.

Fourth, once information is placed on social media, it can be viewed and used by anyone. Consider this before your anger or desire for revenge prompts you to share private business or financial information about your spouse or you online. Unlike the Internal Revenue Service of yesteryear, the I.R.S. is online. They read social media, review court filings, and investigate bank loan applications among other things. When you disclose private information that may not be accurate, or that contradicts a document prepared under penalty of perjury, you run the risk of some very unpleasant results if that material falls into the wrong hands. And you should know that there is a whistleblower’s statute that provides for a third party to receive 30% of the revenue recovered by the I.R.S. based on the disclosed information. So think again when you decide to post your business balance sheets and recognize others may be watching.

Fifth, while it is true, you may be going on social media with your divorce woes to solicit condolences and words of wisdom and encouragement that may not be the reaction you get. If your friends read your posts and grief journal, they may rally around you –at least initially. The chaos and turbulence of a divorce has a tendency to sweep everyone and everything overboard in its wake. The recovery from this trauma can be extensive and you may find your friendships on life support instead of being a lifeboat.

These are only a few reasons why your divorce should stay offline. As you can see, the consequences for failure to heed these warnings can be catastrophic for your finances, your job, your friends and most importantly your children. Think and pause before you go online. We are sure you will be glad you did.

Diana Mercer is a Founder of Peace Talks in the Los Angeles Area and as a Divorce Mediator and President at Peace Talks; it provides Mediation Services, Divorce Mediation, About your Spouse and spousal support attorney. visit Peace Talks Facebook Page: www.facebook.com/PeaceTalks

10 things to Know Before You File For Divorce

Here are the some things you’ll want to know before you file for a divorce:

1. Over 95% of all divorce cases settle before they go to trial, so try mediation rather than taking an adversarial position. And if mediation's not for you, there are other options like collaborative divorce and even arbitration.
2. Before you file for divorce, think about your goals for the ultimate outcome of your case. Write down your most important goals.
3. Create your Divorce Mission Statement. Know who you want to be when your divorce is over. You can use the free interactive Divorce Mission Statement on MakingDivorceWork.com
4. Reach out for help. A therapist, lawyer, accountant or fee based financial planner—or all of the above---can be a great support system.
5. Take time to assess and reassess your actions and goals and whether your path is taking you where you want to go. It's easy to get caught up in the stress of court procedures, or to become entrenched in a specific position.
6. Be organized. Use your professional fees wisely. Address your legal questions to your lawyer, and your psychological questions to a counselor or therapist. Be organized. Write your questions down....then write down the professional's answers. Keep a notebook so your papers stay organized and in one place. If you're too overwhelmed to get organized on your own, ask for help from a trusted friend, relative, or even a college student from Craigslist.








7. Do your homework.  Remember, you’re the final decision maker in your settlement. Gather information, speak to level-headed friends and qualified professionals like an accountant, fee-based financial planner, a therapist or a lawyer and use self-reflection to decide what's best for you.
8. Don't jump to conclusions or rush to a decision.You took years getting to this place, so don't expect to solve everything in 2 minutes. A reasonable, solid, working divorce settlement takes time.
9. Keep your perspective: If the amount of money you're fighting about won't matter in 5 years, it probably doesn't matter now, so let go of it. Sure, it's more money than you'd leave for a tip, but will it really change your life?
10. If you choose to represent yourself, get enough information about how to behave in court and what forms you need in order to do it well. Consider hiring a lawyer by the hour to consult with you about special issues and to review your settlement (the technical name for this is Unbundled Legal Services). If you cannot afford a lawyer, the local Legal Aid Society can help.
11. If your goal is "justice" or to "tell the judge my story", keep in mind that no-fault laws and court over-crowding means you'll get very little time or opportunity to testify. And besides, do you really want a stranger to make your decisions for you?
12. Your divorce will not go on forever (and you don't want it to). There is an end. Things will get better. And no matter how hard it is to believe, when one door closes, another door opens. In my own divorce, my former husband mockingly said, "You’re never going to finish that book!" Your Divorce Advisor was published by Simon & Schuster 2 years later. To be honest, if he'd never taunted me like that, he might've been right. I might never have finished. But I did, and we toasted the publication date with our new significant others. You really will move on, even if that's tough to picture at the moment.

Diana Mercer is a Collaborative Divorce Attorney and the founder of Peace Talks Family Mediation Services; they provide you divorce mediation, Parenting Planning, Collaborative Mediation and Child custody mediation Los Angeles, Culver City, Ladera Heights, Beverly Hills and Santa Monica.

Source By: http://goarticles.com/article/10-Things-to-Know-Before-You-File-For-Divorce/7933913/

9 Questions To Keep Your Divorce Lawyer Honest

There is a lot of incentive for litigation attorneys to blow sunshine up your skirt and tell you what you want to hear. In that first consultation at the beginning of your case, we lawyers are, after all, salespeople. We start with an optimistic overview of your case, and it will be awhile before we start to talk to you about any potential downside.

Plus, it's human nature to decide what you want to do, and then amass evidence supporting your position and discount evidence to the contrary. So we're going to help you do that, particularly at the beginning of your case.

Let's face it, nobody wants to hear bad news. But as an informed client, you need to be prepared for whatever might happen so that you can decide how to best handle your case.

If your lawyer is being honest, he or she will answer these questions:

1.    What is my best case scenario in this case?

If the Judge agreed with everything I say, and nothing that my spouse says, what do you predict the outcome to be?

2.    What's my worst case scenario in this case?

If the Judge doesn't agree with anything I say, but agrees with everything my spouse says, what do you predict the outcome to be?

3.    What's an optimistic, but realistic outcome?

Let's say the Judge agrees with a good part of what I have to say, and some of what my spouse has to say, what do you predict the outcome to be?

4.    What's a pessimistic, but realistic outcome?

If the Judge agrees with a good part of what my spouse has to say, and only some of what I have to say, what do you predict the outcome to be?

5.    Will you play devil's advocate?

Pretend for a minute that you are my spouse's attorney. What would you tell my spouse based on what you've heard today? Please do not sugar coat your "advice" to my spouse?

6.    What's the local reality?

I know you can show me copies of the law and legal cases. But based on what you're seeing down at the local courthouse, in the family court mediation and custody evaluation office, with the judges, and typical lawyer to lawyer negotiations, what are the realities of settling cases and trial outcomes? As a practical matter, what really goes on?

7.    Is it worth it to enforce my rights?

Can you quantify the amount of money which is in question? If I enforce all of my rights in this case, as opposed to settling for something less, how will that compare with the legal fees and experts' fees it will cost to get everything I'm entitled to?

8.    What's the range of cost?

If we went to court, what is the range of cost you'd see, given your experience with prior cases similar to mine, both high and low? Are you willing to put that estimate in writing?

9.    Will you put my money where your mouth is?

It sounds to me like you're pretty certain of the result you can get for me in my divorce case. Would you please put that in writing? And if you're not willing to do that, why not?

If this feels confrontational, you can feel free to print this out and hand it to your lawyer. Tell him or her that while you think it's crazy and overkill, your Huffington Post friend said to talk to them about this because it's really important.

Like I said above, there is overwhelming incentive for litigation attorneys to tell you what you want to hear. Read this "Open Letter from Your Divorce Attorney" for a real eye-opener, and the truth about why this happens all too often.

Source By: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/diana-mercer/9-questions-for-honest-di_b_1022923.html

Some Common Shared Parenting Schedules

For parents who want to share their children’s time more equally, there are many possible schedules. Some common ones are:

• every other week,

• every two weeks,

• Monday morning through Thursday morning and Thursday afternoon through Monday morning,

• Wednesday morning through Saturday morning and Saturday morning through Wednesday morning,

• September through June and summers for parents who live in different states.

Every schedule has different pluses and minuses associated with it. Which schedule works for your family will depend on how close you live to the other parent, your work schedules, ages of your children, the children’s individual temperaments, school demands, and their hobbies and activities. The schedule you choose should depend on how important it is for the children to be in the same house during weekdays (i.e., school nights) and how well your children adapt to the transition between homes.  Can your children organize their school work when they make transitions between homes during the school week? If they have religious, sports, music, or other training on a regular basis, then maintaining the consistency of such classes is important. Children shouldn’t have to miss activities on a regular basis because they have to be at the other parent’s house. For a great article on shared parenting, click here.

How children go to school and return home also will affect your schedule. Do they need to be driven, can they switch busses, are they in a carpool?

Do your children have a maximum amount of time they tolerate being away from either of you?  The length of time may differ from their primary caretaker and their secondary, if that is how your family has been arranged in the past. All of these factors are considerations in determining the best parenting schedules.

Are There Alternatives to the Typical Shared Parenting Plans?

Some less common, but important, variations on schedules also deserve mention. For reasons that will become obvious in the descriptions below, these arrangements are harder to maintain than more common ones, and they often require greater cooperation and sacrifice on both parents’ parts. However, when values or circumstances dictate creative solutions, these are worth considering.

Parents who can successfully do it report great satisfaction with “nesting”. In this arrangement, the children stay in one place, and the parents move out of the home and into an apartment or family member’s home. Sometimes the parents share one other dwelling, other times they can afford to rent or own two different ones. Sometimes they each return to a parent’s or friend’s home as their secondary residence. Parents then move in and out of the family home according to the dictates of schedules that work best for them. Click here for an article on nesting.

Sometimes parents live far away from one another. In these situations, children may spend school years with one parent, and longer holiday periods, vacations, and summers with the other parent.

When parents live near each other, they may choose to alternate the child’s primary residence every other year. The children do not spend much time living between homes, but they do visit the other parent regularly. However, each parent gets to be the primary parent some of the time, smoothing over the sense of one parent being the less central figure. This schedule, though often proposed, is counter to children’s best interests in most situations. This arrangement erodes consistency in discipline across phases of life, as well as the child’ sense of belonging in a home.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

 

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com